Horsefeathers 'n Poppycock
Horsefeathers 'n Poppycock
WEEKLY REVIEW from harpers.org:
Palestinian militants conducted a raid in Israel and
abducted an Israeli soldier, whom they carried to Gaza via
a secret tunnel. Israel retaliated by bombing Gaza's main
power plant, two bridges, the offices of Palestine's prime
minister and interior minister, and a soccer field, and by
arresting as many as 64 Palestinian officials. Palestinian
militants demanded that Israel release all Palestinian
prisoners who are women or under the age of 18. A number of
Israeli and Palestinian officials speculated that Israel's
actions were intended to weaken or topple Palestine's
Hamas government. In Iraq, where 14 U.S. soldiers died,
bombings killed 62 people in a poor Shiite neighborhood in
Baghdad, 17 people at a market in Hilla, and 18 people in
Khairnabat. The bodies of seven men were discovered in the
Tigris River south of Baghdad, and the bodies of two men
were found in the Euphrates river south of Baghdad. All the
bodies showed signs of torture. Iraqi and U.S. authorities
freed 495 prisoners, and Iraq's national security adviser
announced that the body of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi had been
buried in "a marked but secret place." Saddam Hussein's
eldest daughter and first wife were added to the Iraqi
government's list of "most wanted" terrorist figures. Four
U.S. soldiers in Iraq were being investigated for raping
a woman, then killing her and three other members of
her family; it was suggested that the accused may have
spent up to a week planning the attack. It was reported
that Iraqi insurgents have started using sophisticated
armor-penetrating mines that propel jets of molten metal
at military vehicles. The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that
President George W. Bush had overstepped his authority
in establishing military tribunals for Guantanamo Bay
detainees. "I'd like to close Guantanamo," said Bush,
"But . . . we're holding some people that are darn
dangerous." The President went jogging with a soldier
who lost both his legs in Iraq, and Vice President Dick
Cheney's heart was said to be functioning properly.
Floods killed dozens of people in Romania, Pakistan,
China, and the northeastern United States. A subway
derailment near Jesus station in Valencia, Spain, killed
34 people. English soccer fans, said German breweries,
were endangering the German beer supply. In Britain the
wives of soldiers serving in Iraq were receiving strange
phone calls from Iraqi militants, and it was announced
that the Royal Family cost U.K. taxpayers about $68
million last year. "Our key aim," said the Keeper of the
Privy Purse, "is not to try and achieve a low-cost
monarchy." A three-foot-long escaped porcupine named
Twinkle was captured in Langwathby, England. President
Bush said that it was "disgraceful" for newspapers to
report on a secret intelligence program to trace bank
records, and China announced that media outlets would be
fined up to $12,500 if they reported on any "sudden
events" without prior authorization. The library of the
University of the Incarnate Word in San Antonio, Texas,
cancelled its subscription to the New York Times. In
Florida thieves stole the 31-year-old remains of a
6-year-old boy, and a trailer park was under criticism for
recruiting sexual predators. "Everybody," said a
coordinator of Habitat for Offenders, "deserves a second
chance." Bruno the bear was shot and killed by German
authorities, ending his seven-week rampage through Germany
and Austria; Bruno, officially tagged Rampant Brown Bear
JJ 1, had killed sheep and rabbits, stolen honey, eluded
Finnish bear trackers and elkhounds, and squashed a guinea
pig. "Sexual frustration," said a German official, "may be
a reason for the random killings." Rush Limbaugh was
detained at an airport when authorities found illicit
Viagra in his luggage. A Vermont teenager was convicted of
stealing the bowtie and eyeglasses from a corpse and
cutting off its head to make a bong, and in Nigeria a
professor at Olabisi Onabanjo University was found dead
behind Poopola Hospital in Ijebu-Igbo; Professor Oyedola
is believed to have been killed by one of two warring
campus cults--either the Eiye Confraternity or the
Buccaneers. In Rajasthan, India, a low-caste bridegroom on
a horse was stoned by onlookers when a camel in his
wedding procession ran amok, and David Hasselhoff hit his
head on a chandelier while shaving.
It was revealed that Hillary Clinton's ancestors were
English coal miners, and scientists in Borneo found a
snake that can spontaneously change color from
reddish-brown to white. In India an autopsy determined
that the rogue elephant known as Master Killer died from
multiple organ failure. "I had lost my two children," said
the elephant's distraught trainer. "But when I discovered
this naughty tusker . . . I thought, 'Here's a newborn
that will help me forget my own loss.'" Australian
scientists studying the use of dingo urine as a kangaroo
repellent found that the urine startles kangaroos. Engineers at the Tokyo Institute of Technology
announced the creation of a machine that can record and
reproduce smells. "We can tell a green apple from a red
apple," said TIT scientist Pambuk Somboon. A study showed
that rich people get more sleep than poor people, white
people get more sleep than black people, and women get
more sleep than men, and another study found that money
does not buy very much happiness. A gang of marauding
transvestite thieves was terrorizing New Orleans
businesses, and scientists were trying to create tomatoes
containing an HIV vaccine. It was revealed that a
Minnesota Timberwolves basketball player crashed his SUV
into a parked car because he was drunk and masturbating to
porn. A man who killed himself in Eureka, Montana, also
killed a 16-year-old girl when a bullet traveled through
his head and struck the girl in the chest, Vladimir Putin
kissed a boy on the stomach, and a prison inmate in
Pakistan awoke to discover a lightbulb in his anus, which
surgeons removed several days later. "Thanks Allah," said
the man. "Now I feel comfort.
-- Rafil Kroll-Zaidi
WEEKLY REVIEW from harpers.org:
Palestinian militants conducted a raid in Israel and
abducted an Israeli soldier, whom they carried to Gaza via
a secret tunnel. Israel retaliated by bombing Gaza's main
power plant, two bridges, the offices of Palestine's prime
minister and interior minister, and a soccer field, and by
arresting as many as 64 Palestinian officials. Palestinian
militants demanded that Israel release all Palestinian
prisoners who are women or under the age of 18. A number of
Israeli and Palestinian officials speculated that Israel's
actions were intended to weaken or topple Palestine's
Hamas government. In Iraq, where 14 U.S. soldiers died,
bombings killed 62 people in a poor Shiite neighborhood in
Baghdad, 17 people at a market in Hilla, and 18 people in
Khairnabat. The bodies of seven men were discovered in the
Tigris River south of Baghdad, and the bodies of two men
were found in the Euphrates river south of Baghdad. All the
bodies showed signs of torture. Iraqi and U.S. authorities
freed 495 prisoners, and Iraq's national security adviser
announced that the body of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi had been
buried in "a marked but secret place." Saddam Hussein's
eldest daughter and first wife were added to the Iraqi
government's list of "most wanted" terrorist figures. Four
U.S. soldiers in Iraq were being investigated for raping
a woman, then killing her and three other members of
her family; it was suggested that the accused may have
spent up to a week planning the attack. It was reported
that Iraqi insurgents have started using sophisticated
armor-penetrating mines that propel jets of molten metal
at military vehicles. The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that
President George W. Bush had overstepped his authority
in establishing military tribunals for Guantanamo Bay
detainees. "I'd like to close Guantanamo," said Bush,
"But . . . we're holding some people that are darn
dangerous." The President went jogging with a soldier
who lost both his legs in Iraq, and Vice President Dick
Cheney's heart was said to be functioning properly.
Floods killed dozens of people in Romania, Pakistan,
China, and the northeastern United States. A subway
derailment near Jesus station in Valencia, Spain, killed
34 people. English soccer fans, said German breweries,
were endangering the German beer supply. In Britain the
wives of soldiers serving in Iraq were receiving strange
phone calls from Iraqi militants, and it was announced
that the Royal Family cost U.K. taxpayers about $68
million last year. "Our key aim," said the Keeper of the
Privy Purse, "is not to try and achieve a low-cost
monarchy." A three-foot-long escaped porcupine named
Twinkle was captured in Langwathby, England. President
Bush said that it was "disgraceful" for newspapers to
report on a secret intelligence program to trace bank
records, and China announced that media outlets would be
fined up to $12,500 if they reported on any "sudden
events" without prior authorization. The library of the
University of the Incarnate Word in San Antonio, Texas,
cancelled its subscription to the New York Times. In
Florida thieves stole the 31-year-old remains of a
6-year-old boy, and a trailer park was under criticism for
recruiting sexual predators. "Everybody," said a
coordinator of Habitat for Offenders, "deserves a second
chance." Bruno the bear was shot and killed by German
authorities, ending his seven-week rampage through Germany
and Austria; Bruno, officially tagged Rampant Brown Bear
JJ 1, had killed sheep and rabbits, stolen honey, eluded
Finnish bear trackers and elkhounds, and squashed a guinea
pig. "Sexual frustration," said a German official, "may be
a reason for the random killings." Rush Limbaugh was
detained at an airport when authorities found illicit
Viagra in his luggage. A Vermont teenager was convicted of
stealing the bowtie and eyeglasses from a corpse and
cutting off its head to make a bong, and in Nigeria a
professor at Olabisi Onabanjo University was found dead
behind Poopola Hospital in Ijebu-Igbo; Professor Oyedola
is believed to have been killed by one of two warring
campus cults--either the Eiye Confraternity or the
Buccaneers. In Rajasthan, India, a low-caste bridegroom on
a horse was stoned by onlookers when a camel in his
wedding procession ran amok, and David Hasselhoff hit his
head on a chandelier while shaving.
It was revealed that Hillary Clinton's ancestors were
English coal miners, and scientists in Borneo found a
snake that can spontaneously change color from
reddish-brown to white. In India an autopsy determined
that the rogue elephant known as Master Killer died from
multiple organ failure. "I had lost my two children," said
the elephant's distraught trainer. "But when I discovered
this naughty tusker . . . I thought, 'Here's a newborn
that will help me forget my own loss.'" Australian
scientists studying the use of dingo urine as a kangaroo
repellent found that the urine startles kangaroos. Engineers at the Tokyo Institute of Technology
announced the creation of a machine that can record and
reproduce smells. "We can tell a green apple from a red
apple," said TIT scientist Pambuk Somboon. A study showed
that rich people get more sleep than poor people, white
people get more sleep than black people, and women get
more sleep than men, and another study found that money
does not buy very much happiness. A gang of marauding
transvestite thieves was terrorizing New Orleans
businesses, and scientists were trying to create tomatoes
containing an HIV vaccine. It was revealed that a
Minnesota Timberwolves basketball player crashed his SUV
into a parked car because he was drunk and masturbating to
porn. A man who killed himself in Eureka, Montana, also
killed a 16-year-old girl when a bullet traveled through
his head and struck the girl in the chest, Vladimir Putin
kissed a boy on the stomach, and a prison inmate in
Pakistan awoke to discover a lightbulb in his anus, which
surgeons removed several days later. "Thanks Allah," said
the man. "Now I feel comfort.
-- Rafil Kroll-Zaidi
posted by pooroldlady at 9:13 AM
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